Fly Me to the Moon

Republican candidate and former beet farmer Newt Gingrich has his eye on the prize. First, the presidency. Immediately afterward, THE MOON.  Well, within eight years, the moon. But Newt's going places.

Slowly but surely. 

"When we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon, they can petition to become a state," Speaker Gingrich said boldly.  The 600,000 Americans in DC can wait. 

The instinctively grandiose Newt promised a "365 day a year relentless pressure" to embody the lyrics of Daft Punk. I believe the music video also illustrates Newt's plans for any illegal aliens on the moon. 

All we hear about from the Gingrich camp is the Rocket Man. What about Callista? From what I've seen, you mustn't speak to the future first lady, as human contact alarms her. 

         

It turns out Mrs. Gingrich III published a children's book called Sweet Land of Liberty about an elephant who sets off on a quest to discover what made America the home of the free. 

As a former American child myself, I can tell this will be a best-seller--if it isn't already--especially if she took notes from the great Maurice Sendak. 

Overall, things are looking up for the Gingriches. Let's hope Florida pulls through. 

...My Mistake

When you engage in conversation with someone you don't know, seemingly normal comments can go awry when you least expect it.  

For instance, the question "when are you due" can be a dangerous one. If you receive this look, you'll know the answer. That person isn't pregnant. She's just fat. 

Or perhaps she's a man. Sometimes it's not clear.

When I cut my hair in fourth grade, my dad took me to work and one of his students said "Is this your son?" and her friend said, "that's a girl," which didn't stop her from saying, "HE'S SO CUTE!" 

While I appreciated that she found me adorable, I still wept quietly into my Spongebob t-shirt and asked Dad if we could go home. For some father-son bonding time. 

"Is this your [significant other]" can be a toughie too. Last night a comedian asked two people if they were married or dating. They were cousins, which is wrong in the eyes of Mark Zuckerberg. 

Moral of the story: stop speaking to people.  It's just too painful.